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Family Health Magazine
MODERN LIVING

Grief
Adjusting to life after the death of a loved one

Grief after the death of a loved one is a universal human emotion. The period of deep sorrow that follows is part of a healing process that helps a person let go of the past and adjust to life without the loved one. Although the pain of loss may never go away, it lessens over time.

Responses to Grief

Everyone grieves differently following the death of a loved one. The responses may not come in a predictable sequence and they may overlap. Sometimes you may not feel the intensity of your loss until months later. There are no quick fixes or set patterns.

Shock or numbness is natural even when death is expected. The reality comes as a great shock. The death may not seem real. You may even need to deny the death for a period to protect yourself from the pain of grief.

Guilt may accompany a sense of failure after someone has died. A period of 'if only' is common.

Anger is a common and normal reaction to death. Often anger is directed at the person who died. Sometimes it may be aimed at other people or things unrelated to the death. It can range from mild irritability to rage. If you feel angry, do not try to suppress the feeling. Try to accept this as a natural part of your grieving.

Deep sadness and loneliness are common after the death of a friend or loved one. Often your life has been closely linked to the person for a long time and it is natural that you feel an emptiness now.

Resolution is when you accept your loss and make it a part of your life. You are able to remember your loved one with joy rather than deep pain.

How grief can affect you

Grief can be hard, stressful and tiring, but it is not an illness. Unfortunately a grieving person does not always realize that the experience is normal. There are many ways you may be affected.

Physically - You may experience such a wide range of physical symptoms that you begin to think you are ill. These are physical reactions to your grief. They may include:

• loss of appetite or overeating
• diarrhea, constipation, vomiting
• lack of energy, weakness
• restlessness
• trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• decreased sexual drive
• shortness of breath
• crying, sighing
• dizziness, shivering, faintness
• tight chest, palpitations
• increased alcohol or drug use

Mentally - While you are grieving, your mental state may cause many feelings that are unusual for you. These include:

• poor concentration
• confusion - “this can’t be real”
• constant thoughts about the person
• day-dreaming
• nightmares, dreams of loss

Emotionally - In grief, your emotions may change from hour to hour. This is normal and will settle with time. The range of emotions you might experience include:

• shock, numbness, emptiness
• withdrawal or explosive moods
• anger, rage
• denial, disbelief
• frustration
• guilt, regrets
• pining or yearning
• sadness, depression, despair
• loneliness, isolation
• hopelessness

Spiritually - No matter what your beliefs, you may go through a period of deep spiritual upheaval. The issues may include:

• blaming life, yourself or the person who has died
• lack of meaning or purpose in life
• wanting to die so you can join the dead person
• continuing to ask 'why did this happen?'
• blaming or feeling separation from your spiritual power

Socially - When you are grieving, you may feel as if you are alone in understanding the importance of your loss. You may want the support of others, yet be unwilling to allow them to get close because you believe that no one can appreciate what you are going through. Your feelings may include:

• unrealistic expectations
• lack of interest in others’ activities
• withdrawal from others
• dependence on others
• fear of being alone
• feeling out of place with previous friendships
• rushing into new relationships

Taking Care of Yourself when Grieving

It is difficult to anticipate how you will react when death occurs. The important thing to remember is there are no right or wrong ways to behave. Do whatever feels right.

Accept your need to grieve and to feel your loss. It is okay to cry and express your sadness. Old friends can support you. Try to reach out to others and not to isolate yourself socially. If talking about your feelings gives you comfort, choose someone you are comfortable with who is a good listener. This person may help you explore what life and death mean to you. At other times, take comfort in being alone when you need it. Be patient with yourself when you are confused or forgetful.

• Talk to people, ask for help if you need it
• Keep up the usual activities of daily living
• Try to keep regular routines for sleep, eating and exercise
• Avoid major life decision during the grieving process
• Allow yourself to feel your feelings
• If, after a few weeks, your mood is always down and you have trouble eating, sleeping or concentrating, see your family doctor to check for depression.

You may need time before you are ready to resume your regular activities. Meanwhile, try to focus on positive things each day and make time for activities you enjoy.

If prayer is a part of your normal life, be gentle with yourself if it takes a while before you start to pray again. Let others continue to carry you in their prayers.

Poor nutrition leaves you at risk of health problems, so look after yourself by eating well. Remember to exercise regularly and get lots of rest. Be careful when driving. Poor concentration and ‘blanking out’ can be hazardous. Your energy level may be low and if it is, slow down and let some responsibilities go for a time.

Restrict drugs and alcohol. They can depress your ability to think clearly. Palpitations, digestive problems, chest pains and shortness of breath are all normal reactions to grief, but if you experience these, have them checked by your doctor as a precaution.

Children and Grieving

Children do grieve, but not always like adults. Their understanding, the way they react and what helps them, often varies by age. Children younger than three cannot grasp that death is forever and those younger than 10 may fear getting sick and dying. Children over 10 understand better but may not be able to talk about death.

At all ages children feel the sadness, loss and pain. They fear death and being left alone. Because they often do not understand the cause of the death, they may have strong feelings of guilt for what has happened. If the loved one who died was a parent, a child may worry that the other parent will die too.

How you can offer comfort and care to children

How parents grieve affects the way their children grieve. People who smile bravely when they are sad confuse children. Adults who admit their feelings and cry with their children help them to accept and understand death.

• Include the child in what is happening.
• Give the child lots of support.
• Listen carefully to the meaning behind what children are saying about their feelings.
• Be honest and give answers in words they understand.
• Reassure children that illness does not always lead to death.
• Remind children they are loved just as much as ever during your time of grief.
• Tell children their thoughts and feelings are normal.
• Let them know it is okay to cry.
• Reassure them that others understand their grief.
• Encourage them to express feelings through talking, painting, poetry, puppets and music.
• Try to keep the children’s routine as much the same as possible.

How Long Grief May Last

It is hard to say how long a person will experience intense grief. A common belief is you should be 'back to normal' in three months, but this is not the case. Many people find that grief comes and goes in waves for a long time. After several months, intense feelings begin to ease. Still, it may take many months, or even longer, before you feel more balanced. Over time coping gets easier and confidence begins to return. You will have new interests and find that life slowly begins to have meaning again.

It may take years to feel you can exist fully without the person who died. Even as you adjust to your loss, it may take you a long time to return to places or things you used to enjoy together before the death. Memories, places, songs, films, poems, foods or scents such as a perfume all may trigger intense feelings. Over time, these feelings ease and the reflections become a natural part of your life.

Final Thoughts

When death follows a long illness, much of the grief may have been experienced before the death. The death itself brings a sense of closure and healing has already begun. For others, the process of grief may take longer. For everyone, healing can take many forms as life gradually returns to normal.

Happiness with the pleasures of life may begin to return. There may be a sense of a new start in life with new experiences. You may want to live life to the fullest to make up for the fact that your loved one will not have the opportunity. You will always remember the person who played an important part in your life; keep the memories alive in your heart and mind.